The place where the anger and sadness runs free. The place that makes death seem like a better option than living. Though when I do finally fall asleep I don’t want to wake up, only pain and waste, sadness, hate, anger, and fear waits. Other times its due to the fact that I’m just worn out right now, I’m stressing over no job, junk car, no money maybe soon, pain, lack of eating, (not hungry much, I basically eat when something is there.) But eating once a day isn’t good for me but I just don’t want to eat, part is due to eating hurts, the other is depression kills my appetite. If I had someone in my life things would be better, I know it, it has always been that way. Sometimes just having someone to hug, to hold me when I’m down, to talk to when I’ve having problems, I’ve not had that for a long time. I need people in my life, I’m not good alone, if I was totally alone I know I wouldn’t be alive. Even having someone to talk to helps. I know Joe’s not a talker, but Kat is more so, and I know sometimes it bugs her but I can’t help it, I need to talk sometimes. Though I think she knows that now, most of the time she stops what she is doing and listens then goes back, I hate being a bother but I need communication. I get lonely (not for relationship stuff) I just need to talk to someone for a bit. Back in home in Bay City I had tons of friends, I always had someone to do stuff with and I really miss that, sometimes I think I should go back, I think my life would be a happier one. But do I want to leave here; it feels like home, which isn’t something I got to know much about. Hell I’m even sure what’s mine anymore. How would I get there, where would I live, and work. I hate feeling lost. I’m sick of my life, sick of not knowing what’s round the corner, know if I’ll have food, money for what’s needed, hell if I’ll be alive, and even if I care, which scares me during the times I’m feeling better. I want to be able to sleep easily, without pain. I wish I wasn’t so fixated on my pain. I wish I had more to look forward to, I use to look forward to game night, but lately I’m not really enjoying the games. Mikes game is slow moving, hard and feels like we are going now where. Joes game was fun but of late it isn’t or me, I play to joke around with the others and be with people, but it’s not doing it. Though tonight it really hit home. I know my character is powerful though I could have made a normal fight that was just as bad. If not more so, I know Joe was out to kill my character, he made a really powerful monster to kill it, though I already said that I would drop the fucking thing when I can, it’s not my fault he has dragged this plot one for so long. And he has dropped the character more then twice before tonight, each time in one round, yes its powerful but so is the crap we run into. Funny he complains about Mikes game being hard yet, his can more so at times. In mikes game at least it might take a few round to drop a combat character, mine, one round, three times.  Then add to the game we have accomplished nothing (I HATE THIS FUCKING SPELL CHECKER I WANT TO JUST CLICK AND FIX….) We have been playing for over a year, nothing is fixed, hell things keep getting worst. I want to be able to feel like I’ve done something, I feel like nothing is done and nothing will be for a long time if ever, it just get worst and worst. In the Silverlords game we would go to do something, we would spend time doing it; we would fix it and move on. We were heroes; we felt like we were doing something, getting somewhere, we made a difference. Now, nothing. We saved those who were taken, but oh look, the whole country is now fucked, oh and my house is fucked and the other parts of the house are helping, even something we though we fixed way back in the ealier part of the game isn’t fixed, the house getting screwed  messed that up, and that’s after being sent here to make friends. Nothing was done; we spent all this time here for nothing. Yes we might save a few people, but that’s it. Wow, yeah, heroes… it’s no fun that even when we manage to win we lose, why do it. Too many bad things to fix and how do we fix it, the bad guys have people everywhere and there is no way to know who if seeded, you can’t tell, who if going to fuck us. They seem to be everywhere now and we keep losing, small win but the bigger picture always get worst. “I thought it was too powerful, but then I remembered your character”, I didn’t know it would be that bad, and I said I’d drop it but I couldn’t don’t punish me for it, I agreed and wanted to fix it, I about quit there, then oh look, 55 AC 3 hits from the one not built to kill Rayne, then the one made to deal with her didn’t miss, nice, way to fuck me over. I would need 20’s to hit 55 AC’s fully buffed. Also most of the time the bad guys in the game have time to buff and be ready for us; this time we had the time to be ready. Without the buffs the character isn’t that bad, normally I would throw less dice then Kat casting disintegrate for about the same average damage, but if I have time, just like the bad guys, just like every damn dragon we have ever dealt with, I’m better. If he came to me and asked to power it down, or something that would have fine, I didn’t because I knew that Heartless was just as bad, and that it would be over soon, but instead he punished me, that’s just wrong, plus the smug look, when the character died. I feel like quitting gaming right now. I can have more fun playing a video game. Maybe I can play guitar hero or something; lord knows I could get the system from Joe. I mean I bought the world tour as something nice, to be nice to Joe and he’s been acting the way he has and I’m not even sure he said thanks. 75 bucks I saved and could have spent on something else, but I wanted to be nice, hell when is the last time someone spent 75 bucks on me, I can’t remember when, but Joe’s use to it, his family helps him, gives him lots of stuff for Christmas and the like, I get like two things, I wish I had a family that loved me enough to spend more then 10 bucks stuffed in a card. Joe and Kat do better at least they get me something. The last year I gave a fly fuck about the holidays my mom spend a ton of money on her boyfriend and his kids, I got the fucking batman movie (80’s) it cost her 9.99. I didn’t even know about the dinner party on Christmas day till 2 days before. That day killed Christmas for me I hate the holidays, family keep dying then and that day. My life started to go to shit when I was just a little kid, when is my turn, when can I be happy, really the only thing to cross off the list is being shot, though good chance that will be the last thing. I needed to do this, I feel better though really drained. I would have before but I couldn’t due to the pain, I mean over a month of intense pain, that’s more than most people could deal with. I even managed to smile once in a while.

Of my system. In the past I have found that writing here has help with depression and once again I find myself needed to do it again. I was doing well for a long time, but for more than a month I was dealing with some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I had two badly infected teeth; one was so bad that no matter what antibiotic they gave me if wouldn’t get better, one night a few weeks ago the pain, and lack of sleeping and eating got so bad that I had a physical reaction. I was in a lot of pain, tried to take a shower to maybe feel better, sometimes the heat mad it feel better. After I got out and was dressing I suddenly got weak, started to shake badly, fever, trouble talking, sick to my stomach and to be honest I thought I the infection got into my blood stream and I was dying, I had trouble staying awake on the trip to the ER, it was fucking scary. Well they gave me some pain meads and a few other things and I was better, for about 8 hours. I went to a dentist a few days later  and they told me they couldn’t pull the teeth, they gave me a 24 hour pain shot (lasted 6 hours) and told me to call a place that was sliding scale, this is after going to another dentist that was free before but only does it once a week and couldn’t see me because I was late and due to a power outage they were really behind, tuff luck see ya later. The pain was so bad that I was taking a unsafe amount of pain pills that really didn’t help and at least three times I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t take the pain. I’m no wuse, I live with daily pain; I have 3 herniated disks in my neck and some in my back. I’ve worked when I could hardly walk. I’ve cut my hand open with a knife and taped it up and went back to what I was doing. But this pain made me want to kill myself, the only thing that stopped me was two things, one I could picture Joe and Kat finding my dead body, the pill bottle next to the bed, also my new computer. It is the first nice expensive thing I was able to buy for myself for a really long time, the last thing I got that was really nice was maybe 8 years ago. I see people I know all the time getting nice thing, fun things, and I can’t get anything. I couldn’t afford stuff, I see people buying game boys, PSP’s, cool phones everyone I know has at least one of the new console systems and I only own a fucking PS1 and two games… So, when I found I had credit to replace the computer I paid 54 bucks for I took it. Yeah the computer I had I paid 54 bucks for the CPU, motherboard and a stick of ram back in 04, the “new” computer was old enough that I got the parts that cheap. Over time I added a few more parts but the core parts were really cheap junk. So now I had something that made my happy, something I don’t few often, rare enough that I can remember what caused me to feel that way. But in the end it helped me stay alive that right there is worth the price I paid. Most of the time I’m content but not happy, I try to not let thing upset me, but when the people I know remind me all the time that my life sucks and that I’m the most unlucky person they know its hard to keep positive, I mean my god, I’m told all the damn time that I’m unlucky, I know people stop reminding me, yes I laugh because its my way, I hide the pain so I don’t bring people down, though sometimes I think Joe likes to remind me and likes to show me his life is so much better then mine. Plus he acts like he is sick of me, he use to do things, if he would hold the door for people and I was one of them, last week we went out to eat, he held the door open for kat and as I was about to walk in he walked in front of me and gave me a look like, no, I go before you. I’ve been seeing this pattern for weeks now and to be honest I’m not sure what the deal is.  I know I owe them money, and maybe he’s upset that I spent money on the computer, but lets look at this, I paid them 70% of the money I had coming in, I was paying 10 to 20 a week on the computer and was giving 80 a week, plus I was also buying a good deal of the food, which is fine I wanted to help. Hell he spent more then 20 a week in games and stuff for the 360 and I know he owe money too. I mean lets be honest, if don’t have much, my bed sucks ass and I could get a better at good will I bet. The dresser I have was given to me not long ago, the desk isn’t mine, most of my clothes are old and worn. The tv and entertainment center I told them I would give to them long ago. So I could move everything (minus the bed and dresser in my car, which is a POS death trap.) I really have nothing but my computer, some movies, my clothes, my fans, and a bunch of junk that could leave and not really miss. Would I, probably not, but sometimes I just don’t care. Heck since the whole tooth thing, I’ve been so down that part of me just wants to go away, no idea where, but I hate my life and don’t want it anymore. The only friends I really have are Joe and Kat and well when you feel one of two people is sick of you, that doesn’t leave much. Mikes a nice guy but we only game once a week and that’s it, plus I don’t see him as the coming over and hanging out type. After joe and kat is my Mom who lives in MI, other than that I have no one. I’ve been talking to this woman online for a few weeks now but I’m afraid to say anything to people due to every time I tell people about something I Lose it. In the past I met women and after I tell people something happens, job interview, talk about it and I don’t get the job. I’m quite sure that God hates me; I did something in the past to piss him off, though it was most likely a past life for the crap started when I was really young. I try not to let this stuff get to me, I try to be strong but it get harder each time. One day I’m not going to be able to deal with something, one day it will finally be to much to carry, and I will break. I feel it every time something bad happens, each time it’s harder to snap back, both physically and mentally. I’ve lived through and with many things that other have killed themselves over or died from. And each time more suffering is added, one can only carry the weight of their lives for so long before they sink from it. But where is the water line for me now, waste high or neck high. Just today I tried to sleep, and couldn’t due to pain and depression. 720 bucks for the surgery to remove my teeth, money I don’t have and might not have soon because my unemployment is hitting the 6 month mark and I haven’t found a job yet. Though during the time of my tooth infection it was really hard to job hunt, I tried, I really did, but it didn’t go very well. I’m not asking for much in my life just what average people have, a job, friends (well more then what I can count on one hand) no pain and love, (the last two more than the rest.) I’m not had love since 2001 when Becky and I broke up. Much of that was due to the fact that I still loved her so much and couldn’t love another for a long time. I tried dating Kelly but I didn’t love her the way I should, how I did once but she left me to many times looking for her dream job. I loved her yes, but not like Becky, not in the way I needed too, and we knew that and we split up after a short time. I’ve been told thing I can do to fix some of these thing, but I don’t feel like I can do it anymore, I just don’t have the life left to try to find new friends or love, too much of my energy is spent dealing with pain, sadness, and the worry about the future. I found out at the first stop at the ER, yes 2 trips due to the pain. Well I learned that I have thicken heart walls and the Dr. said that I’ll not see 60 if I don’t deal with it, well guess what due to the fucking world we live in I can’t afford the doctor visits, the medications I would need to take. I already have been told that I will be paralyzed by 60, fuck I think I would rather be dead. I’ve been there, it was horrible and though it was only hours, it isn’t something I would want to live with. So yeah 20 years till I’m fucked and that’s if my life doesn’t kill me first. Not really much of a life anyways, I sit on the computer to keep sane, games and the such keep my mind busy, keeps it from doing what trying to sleep does, going to the bad places in my head.

Once I could deal with pain, I could ignore it, or at least push it to the back of my mind. But of late I find that is harder and harder to do. Since 1995 I have lived with severe pain on a daily basis after a car accident left we with 2 bad disks in my neck and 2 in my back. I was always able to deal with that pain, I had my bad days but for the most part I was able to live a normal life. Then in 2004 I was electrocuted, I had a large amount of electricity pass through my arm and out my head. This left another set of pains for me to deal with, it was harder but I continued on, though I notice a lot of differences in my life. Small things that either no one else really notices or things that I remember wrong due to brain damage, I’m not really sure. But there is pain; I get this strange stabbing pain in my temple once in a while, though it’s not all the time so I can deal with it. But it gets harder and harder. Now with my arm the pain is almost too much. I still deal with it; my neck still hurts quite often, though not as much thanks to the ton of meds I’m on. The brain damage though seems to come out more due to the meds, I stutter more often, much like I did after the 2004 electrocution. Sometimes I have problems remembering stuff, but maybe I was like that before, ironically I can’t remember. But now I find that I can’t sleep very well, I keep waking up either from the pain, muscle spasms, or bad dreams brought on by my meds. I find that I stay awake till I’m so tired that I can’t stay awake any longer. So when I do go to bed I sleep, sadly this is the only way I can sleep for more then 3 or 4 hours at a time. I tried just going to bed but I lay there, in pain, unable to sleep, which depresses me, or I wake up so many times that I just get up and stay up after 3 or 4 hours. At least awake, at the computer I can keep my mind busy. Mostly right now though I wish the muscle spasms would stop, they pull on my elbow from the inside and it hurts like hell. Last night was really bad, I cried for a bit, the spasms would just not stop, it felt like someone was yanking on the nerves in my arm and wouldn’t stop. I thought about taking more pills but I was afraid that I might get sick or even over dose, three meds, to close together in to high a dose can be bad, so I dealt with the pain, again. Finally I slept, and I slept late, later then I wanted to but I was so freaking tired. I’m just sick of dealing with pain, both mental and physical, it wears you down, takes the joy out of life.

It feels fine – It hurts but not so much that I want to make a big deal out of it.

No I’m ok – I’m most likely ok or at least not suffering more then one problem today.

I’m fine – I’m feeling a little depressed but not more than normal.

I’m feeling pretty good – I’m not depressed and I’m pretty much pain free.

I cleaned my room – I’ve been pretty depressed for the past few days but I’m feeling better now.

Naa, that’s ok – I would like to get my way but I’m not going to make an issue out of it, I don’t like to whine about stuff. (It normally means that I don’t want to disappoint someone else to get my way.)

No, I’m sure – That would be cool but I’m afraid to put someone else out, so no thanks.

If you’re sure – Thank You for letting me have my way, it means a lot to me.

If I’m limping a little – My back hurts but I don’t want anyone to know.

If I’m limping – (Baring a ankle problem) My back hurts a lot and I couldn’t walk or get out of bed when I got up and I don’t want anyone to know.

If I’m little grumpy and groggy after getting up – I didn’t sleep due to arm pain, neck pain, back pain or all thee above.

I didn’t sleep to well due to (Insert issue here) – Yeah, it most likely it was bothering me, but I’m not going to make a major issue about of it.

I didn’t sleep well – I was depressed and could turn my brain off long enough to sleep, I normally get to the point of can’t help but fall asleep.

I was up later then I planed – Something was bothering me and I didn’t want to face the next day.

If I’m making a big deal out of something – I’m probably trying not to cry and (insert issue here) really hurts badly, please help me.

I think I should go to the Dr. – Yes I should, please help me.

((laugh)) Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend – I’m lonely

Man… I wish I had a girlfriend – I’m really lonely today and it’s depressing me.

Oh, cool, did you bring me some? No, that’s ok – I would have liked some, sorry, but I feel left out.*

Well this is all I can think of right now, plus I don’t want to over do it with my arm. This is meant to be funny, though there is some truth behind it. And… I feel fine.

*(I have issues from childhood about being left out. When I was 7 my mom and I lived with my aunt Karen, and her family. They went to Disney Land and my mom and I stayed home. It was a family thing but a 7 year old doesn’t understand that, they just know that all the other kids in the house got to go and they didn’t.)

When I was eight years old, my mother packed me up and stuffed a few of our possessions into our tiny car a drove to Arizona. This took me away from my family on both sides. My dad, my aunt and cousin Paula (Who I grew up with in the same house for the most part, she was more sister then cousin.)My grandparents on both sides, my friends, well my whole life was left behind.

On the way there I didn’t understand that we were going to stay there, we had driven to visit family like this before and I knew that I had family in Arizona so I saw it as a just another trip. Well when we got there and she showed me the school I was going to go to I knew then that I wasn’t going back. I was really upset after that; mom was having trouble dealing with it from what I can remember. Well she did what most parents do, she bought me something. Not a baseball mitt or a bat, not Star Wars toys, no, she got me a stuffed dragon. Oddly it did the trick, she told me it was a friend who would always be with me, and a few other things, but honestly I don’t remember it all. There is something about stuff animals. They don’t laugh when you cry, they don’t tell you that your hugging them to tight, they don’t even get upset when they fall on the floor after you fall asleep, and they are always (not counting lost or thrown away) there when you need them. Well that is what my dragon was someone there for me. Which is something you need when you’re a latchkey kid who suffers from depression and whose mother works second shift at the hospital. This is one of the reasons I spend a lot of time alone but like to have people around, a bit messed up, yes, but it is who I am.

Back in 96 there was a really bad flood in Bay City, and my dragon was destroyed in the flood. He spent three days under sewer water and I could not get the smell out not matter what. It was upsetting but I was seeing Kelly at the time so in a way my dragon wasn’t needed anymore. Heck I even found one like him at one point and gave it to Kelly, who then gave it to her niece. (Her niece fell in love with it.)

Well it’s been 12 years since my dragon was lost to me and I find myself wishing I still had him. Times are bad right now, I just had surgery and I’m in a lot of pain, more then I let on. Money is a problem right now, I wish I could pay my pills more but I’ve been screwed over by the system (see Wal-mart here), I’m feeling depressed, though not to suicide level but depressed non-the-less. So I just spent the past few hours looking online for my dragon. Sadly I can’t find one just like my old one, but the company that made him has a new style out, it looks like the older kind just better made. I’m thinking about getting one, I know it seems silly but honestly I think it might help me. The cats don’t like to be hugged and there isn’t always someone around when you need one, so… It might seem silly and childish but you know what I don’t care, if it helps me then there is nothing wrong with it.

Well I tried to get a real cell phone account other then the pay as you go phone I have now and finally I was accepted. The pay as you go phone was costing me way too much money; I was spending at least 45 and month if not 60. Now I have the free nights and weekends plus 450 minutes a month anytime (Which is about what I would use normaly). This has helped improve my spirits a bit. Between my back hurting a lot and being sick today I was feeling a down. But getting a real cell phone service and a cool phone helps lift my spirits. Plus I can feel like I can talk to people now, before I could call friends and family but could only talk to them for a short time due to it burning through my minutes, now I can call people, its like I have more freedom to live a normal life.

Well Chris Martin is at it again, since Sunday he has tried to call me at least twice a day. Today he has tried three times, (so far) once was a private number call, I would have answered it if it wasn’t for the fact that he has tried this before. If calling normal doesn’t work he will use other peoples phone, and if that doesn’t work he will try the *67 route. That blocks the incomeing number so you don’t know who is calling. He is one devious jerk. The first night he called I got really upset, I know why now though. I thought I was finally rid of him; it has been months since he last tried to contact me and I thought he finally got a clue. Just the other day I was thinking that I could set up my message box on my phone, then bam, he calls. I would set it up but he tends to leave 20 messages, explaining how mean it is for me to ignore him, or how I’m in the wrong, or whatever. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised that his new company has failed and how it’s all my fault for not moving back to Bay City and working for him. He could never take responsibility for his failures. Every time I see his name in an email or on my caller ID it just makes me depressed, I wish I could be done with him, once and for all. I have told him that, I have told him to leave me alone to never call or email me again, then a few months later, *ring, ring*. He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a bad person. He uses people up and dumps them to the side, he gets mad when his friends have something good happen that he wants for himself. I have seen him throw chairs before because someone we both know had received something that he wanted. I saw him laugh when a person he did business with had their company go under, which was due to Chris’s underhanded business practices. I wish I never met him, and I wish he would just leave me alone…

I ended up calling in today. I came back from my counseling appointment so depressed that I, well just couldn’t, I can’t even think of what I want to say.

 
We talked about things from my childhood, things that still upset me. It just hit me really hard; I haven’t been depressed in weeks so when it came on it hit me really hard. My appointment was for 12:30, I got in a bit late, and it went for about an hour, I was feeling good when I got there but after… Normally this level of depression creeps up on me over weeks, I don’t even notice it until its there, but when this level hit suddenly the world feels like it's crushing you. Part of me wanted to cry, part wanted to go to bed and just sleep, and part just wants to do nothing at all. Though I guess I’m doing a bit better, about an hour ago I didn’t even want to turn the computer on let alone write about this. Luckily for me work feels that depression is a medical condition and is one of the accepted reasons for calling in. Plus they know I had the appointment today. I hope I feel better by tonight…

I felt the need to redo my Livejournal page. I didn’t take the dark look because I am depressed, in fact today I am feeling pretty good. I took it because I thought it looked cool, lol.

Ever since I was electrocuted in 04 I have had problems remembering my dreams and today I am glad for that. I don’t remember what my nightmare was about but it woke me up breathless, sweaty and shaken. I don’t remember the last time this has happened but it has me a bit freaked. This sense of doom and the adrenalin is making it hard to fall back to sleep. Dangit I have had enough problems trying to get to a normal sleep pattern, having nightmares wake you up after only a few hours of sleep sucks. Well I might try to go back to bed or I might just stay up, I’ll wait and see what I feel like here in a bit.

I decided that I need to find a new job, even if the short drawer thing works out. I feel worn out all the time and I don’t wake up till 8 or 9pm, which is too late to do much of anything. Joe and Kat go out to eat after work, and do other things, I wake up and everything is closed. I took the 3^rd shift job thinking that it would allow me more time in the evening to do stuff, I didn’t know that I would be so tired that I would sleep all day and late into the evening. Last 3^rd shift job I had I worked 12 hours but didn’t feel a worn when I got home. But this is due to the fact that I wait on about the same amount people as the second shift does (The system keeps tract of customer count) but where as they have 3 or more people, there is only me. I’m lucky if I can eat, I have taken a break only once in the month I have worked there and waiting hours to go to the bathroom sucks. If we could lock the door things wouldn’t be so bad, but there is only a lock on the outside and the store manager is the only one with the key. Now 2^nd shift doesn’t look so bad, at least two nights a week I can do something, lol. I now know why the store has such a high turnover rate for 3^rd shift there, I asked about a 2^nd person for 3^rd shift but was told that Speedway won’t give them extra hours for that. It also doesn’t help that several places in the area have been robbed by gunpoint in the past few weeks; the cops tell me that people from the eastside are coming here because most places in Indy have more then 2 people on duty and many places have a security guard. But Noblesville is still a low crime area so we don’t have these things, which make us a prime target. Just needed to vent a bit, and get things straight in my head on this.

Just when I thought things were looking better, life decides to kick me again. Yesterday morning my car died as I was leaving work. Tonight I tried a suggestion of my friend Stan who knows a ton about cars and even more about Saab’s. But it didn’t work, so I’m upset about that, then today I was really short on my drawer. If they can find it I’m ok, but if not I might lose my job and that has me in a near state of panic. I can’t lose another job, I don’t want to be back in the same place I was, the thought just makes me sick, and I’m near to tears about the idea. This job really sucks, and I’m in pain every day I leave there but I was going to keep it because I need it so much. I can’t let Joe and Kat down again, and now add to that my car is down I don’t know what to do it I do lose it. I know something will happen, but I can’t get this sick feeling to pass. They said it might take a while to fix/find, so everyday I have to wonder if I will have a job that night. Saturday (if I still work there) we have a meeting at 11am, I might see if I can use Joe’s car and go to Wal-Mart and Meijer’s and apply there. They need 3^rd shift stockers and well they can listen to music, take breaks and even go to the bathroom when needed. Things I can’t do. I am most likely panicking over nothing, but life just seems to knock me down over and over again, and I expect the worst now.

I know that coming back from depression is hard, I have done it before, but this time I feel like I have help. Several people have offered to help, to listen and to be there if I need them. And to those who have offered help and advice I would like to say thank you. I have a bit of a cold and I slept later then I wanted to but I think it helped. I haven’t been sleeping well and last night I did finally, I slept through the night and even slept in. Today was a good night at work, it wasn’t super busy and I got all my work done a normal pace, I even got to eat, though I did eat before work, just in case, something I don’t do often. I need to eat more, I have been only really eating when there is food ready, and I don’t eat as much as I use to. Plus I might only eat once a day, sometimes going 24 hours without eating. Not good.

Well today I am feeling good, I’m in a good mood and though it might be a bit before I sleep I think I will sleep well today.

Sometimes when one is depressed they see things around them that are not there. In the area of anime and going out I felt as though I was being left out. Not for the reasons that I have learned of but I felt as though it was because I wasn’t wanted around, or that I was being punished for something done or not done. It is hard to discern the truth of things when one is standing in darkness.

I’m posting this here because I’m pretty sure no one has me on their list anymore and I want a record of how I feel in case something happens.

I’m not really sure what to write or even if I can put how I feel into words. I guess to start off I should say that I’m depressed, really depressed. I have been here before and though each time I have traveled this road I find my way back it is getting harder to do so. Right now I hate my life and myself, the past few days I have been fighting off breaking down into tears, though I should I might feel better, but I just can’t let myself go. I don’t know why I just can’t, and like always I am hiding how I feel from those around me. Part of me feels like everyone hates me and I’m afraid to say anything because I might learn that they do indeed hate me. I have always had problems telling people how I feel, before it was because I didn’t want to upset them, now I fear that I might learn how they really feel which wouldn’t help how I feel, might even push me over the edge. Part of me just wants it all to end, to die, I really don’t care anymore, too much weight to much pain, I feel worn down, alone, and death is the ultimate release. Though the fear of damnation is one of only two things keeping me from killing myself, though I might decide to slam my car into a tree on the way to work, the thought has crossed my mind. The other is hope, hope that my life might finally start going well, that I might find happiness finally. But after what 30 years of bad things happening to me I can’t take much more.

Yes I’m 38 but the really bad stuff didn’t start until I was 8 or so. As a child I was abused by a family member who was support to be taking care of me, I was beaten, tortured, molested and mentally abused on a daily basis for over a year. They were clever about it, nothing that left any signs beyond want a kid would normally would have from play. They hung me, they stuck electrodes to parts of my body, the model train transformer works very well for this and leaves little if any marks. I was starved, lock in small rooms. They almost cut off my thumb once but I superglued the skin back for fear that someone might learn about what was happening, they told me if anyone found out they would kill me and dump me in the river so that my family would never know. I tell everyone that I did it still; talking about being abused is not something I really do, it’s hard to tell people about it, I’m embarrassed and it still makes me ill to think about it. I did finally tell and it ended, but the damage was done, both mentally and physically. Though the physical part might be mental as well, I don’t know, it’s been so long that I have no idea. My family didn’t want people to know the dirty little secret so I never had any help on this. Throughout the years I had a few more abusive sitters but nothing like what happened there and they were discover quickly. I seem to draw abusive people to me, all my life I have had this problem, and from people who were friends to women I dated. Though in later years it was all mental abuse not physical, though I think mental leave the worst scars.

Bad luck, well bad luck is my middle name. All my life I have had things that were out of my control happen to me. Car accidents, electrocution, molestation, things falling on me. For the most part I wasn’t in control of things. I guess I could have had more control on some things but I am very trusting and that has lead to many of my problems. I want to trust people, it seems to be hard wired into me, I can’t help but trust people. I have had most of my problems due to this, though I have been getting a little better, I didn’t move back to Michigan after Chris contacted me again, though truth is I wish I never met him. I know my life would better if not for him, but he knows just what to say to me. Damn creepy, sometimes I think he is in love with me, and can’t take it that he is so he treats me like crap when I have been around him. Odd since I’m not gay and he is just a friend that at one time I trusted too much. My friends joke about my ad luck and I laugh to but of late it has been getting harder to laugh. It kind of feels like I’m being made fun of, which is another thing that has happened all my life. Yes I know I’m old and I’m feeling it, I know I have bad luck, and I’m feeling it, so please stop making fun of me, it hurts…I can’t help it, I didn’t do anything to deserve my bad luck, I try to be as nice as possible, please god stop shitting on me I can’t take it anymore, I just want to know what I did to have this stuff happen all my life. Why do you hate me god? People all around me have good lives, but I’m not aloud the same. I have depression that makes normal daily life hard, I forget stuff so easily; I mean to write a letter only to forget about it when I sit down. I type words I didn’t even think of when I type, sometimes the easiest thing is hard. I have never killed anyone, I have tried my best to be good to people around me, I give money to people in the street, I feel bad when I see homeless people, I try to be helpful for my friends, I want to make people feel better to be happy, then maybe I can be happy. I just don’t know why people hate me, why I can’t find love, why life beats me down all the time. Why do I feel like I make everyone mad all the time? Well at least I’m crying now, I guess that should help. I don’t try to, I just get ways. I get so depressed at times that I can’t do anything; it’s a fight wake up, to shower, to care if I eat. Which is why I eat maybe twice a day lots of times just once. I still have my lunches for work left because I haven’t been hungry. I know I have a job but I feel that I have done so much damage to my friendships that it just doesn’t matter anymore, my friends have always been my life, I would die for them. I hate that I have hurt them, I hate myself for putting them into hard times, and it makes me sick at times. I never wanted to be a burden, and I really did work hard to find a job but I guess people just hate me from the start. Maybe I just give off the vibe that says loser, jerk, and self loathing person. But I did find a job so I guess I should be happy but it’s hard to be happy when I feel like everyone hates me.

Why do I feel like everyone hates me? Well other then the fact that I haven’t had a job in like 3 or 4 months (I can’t remember) just little things. Joe who is one of the people that care about most the world doesn’t talk to me beyond the most basic things, or when we are gaming. Sometimes it looks like he is glaring at me when he speaks to me, like he hates me, I feel like I see hate in his eyes and it hurts. Or like watching anime, I enjoy watching anime with them; I don’t really watch it alone because it’s boring like that. We have been watching this one show and after I went to work they watched another disk and told me that I might want to catch up. That hurt me a lot, I just don’t matter anymore, if I was gone who cares. Then when I went down stairs Kathy asked if I was pissed about it, no I’m not pissed, I’m hurt but thanks for asking. Like always I hid how I rally felt like saying no I’m just tired, which I am, I haven’t slept much, I’m to upset, I stay awake until I can’t stay awake but I keep waking up. Also they never tell me or ask me to do things, many times I have gone out to tell them them something and no one is home, they didn’t tell me or invite me again, left alone again. I use to go when they asked but now I didn’t because I have no money and I feel guilty enough as is, but I would like to be asked sometimes. Some times I think to just take a bunch of sleeping pills, then I have nothing to worry about anymore, but I don’t. They have good reason to hate me though, I owe them money, they must feel like I was using them, but I wasn’t, I was trying to find a job, and a few times I thought I did but something happened. I stopped because I am to trusting, I trusted the places when they said I had the job, then something screwed it up. But don’t get me wrong they are great people, I’ve never met nicer people and if they do hate me it is my own fault, I forced them to feel that way. So whoever might read this don’t blame them, they have been very good to me.

I hate being alone and feeling alone. When I wasn’t with a sitter I was a latchkey kid. I was alone so much as a kid that I don’t know how to live otherwise. I spend most of my time in my room with the door closed, not because I don’t want to be around them, I am just use to being alone, and it sucks, I don’t even know I’m doing it. I guess that’s why I play MMORPG’s, I feel like I am with other people yet still alone. Also I like to play female characters, for a few reasons. One, they do look better, why stare at a male butt for hours when you can stare at a female one, two a female character is so far away from who I am that I like it. I am someone totally different, someone happy and cheerful, and someone everyone likes. It’s not because I want to be female, I just want to be someone else, and in the games people always treat females better. Also I think it is because I have not had a female in my life for so long that I am projecting. I’m not really sure but I have wondered about it. Well I guess this is helping a bit, I ate my burgers finally, though I feel really sick to my stomach.

I hope this helps me out a bit and if not I hope it answers some questions in case something happens. I don’t want o do something stupid but it gets harder and harder to keep clear every day. Plus the pain I am in everyday don’t help. The other day my lower back was out so bad that I couldn’t walk for the first few hours I was awake. I just couldn’t hold my upper body up. The pain was to much and it weakened me a lot. Also my neck, I hurt my neck back in 95 when a guys hit us from behind while sitting at a stop light. I was paralyzed for a while, and since then I have had pain daily. Most of the time it is akin to a mild headache, I can do normal things but it still sucks. But some days it is like a Migraine. The pain is so bad that I can’t take it, add to that, that fact I also get Migraines, though they add other things like light sensitivity. One day I hope that I can afford to get things fixed and I can go a day without pain. I know what my first wish would be if I got one, to be fixed, no pain, mental or physical.

Well I need to get ready for work, I hope I can stay awake; I’m so damn tired right now.

I know that no one will save me but I hope that it helps those I leave behind if I should do something, at least everyone will know why.

Joe